Perhaps I’m using the wrong word when I describe myself as lonely. Because in reality, I’m never entirely alone. I have Chris by my side and of course our beautiful little boy. But I guess I don’t have friends and family around to make me feel surrounded by people.
I moved away from my comfort zone when I left the North East and headed to Essex and so I don’t have anyone around me other than my boys. My best friend is still up North too and since I moved down here I think I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve seen her (this needs to change).
To be honest I’ve never really been the ‘friend’ type. I’ve always got on with people from all walks of life and all ages. But I’ve never really been that person someone would make an effort to spend time with.
It’s hard because on one hand I want to be able to have time to myself and enjoy doing something with a friend that doesn’t involve feeds or changing nappies. But then if or when I get the offer, I freak out and would rather find some tiny excuse as to why I can’t do it.
I’ve realised that a lot of how I’m feeling is down to me and my thoughts which is something that I need to look at changing. I have a lot of things I need to overcome in order to be happy with myself and with life in general. I guess I’m afraid of rejection and of looking stupid. But I need to start saying yes to more things and put myself in situations I would have once feared. And I need to learn to love myself again.
The times I have been a bit more fearless, a little more confident and happy, are times which I have surprised myself. I almost didn’t recognise the woman stood in front of me. But it was so nice to see. And that’s why I’m urging myself to be like this more of the time.
In all honesty I need to give people a little more credit, instead of assuming they will be talking about me behind my back. Judging me about the way I look or the way I parent. I need to stop being the awkward person in the room, and give people the opportunity to see the real me. The fun me. I need to set an example for Archie and show him he doesn’t need to be scared. I also want to prove to Chris that I can be the fun girl he fell in love with again. I want happy Sian back and most importantly the chance to wave goodbye to anxiety.
How does anxiety affect your life?