Even before I ‘officially’ gained my mam title, I felt like my world had already changed so much. Obviously being pregnant causes massive changes to not only your body but your life too, changes which I think help prepare you for what’s to come.
Life with a newborn is pretty intense and it doesn’t give you much time to relax or enjoy life for yourself. I’m often so tired on an evening, that by the time Chris gets home, we do the bedtime routine together, I make us some food and then I’m usually always falling asleep ridiculously early on the sofa.
Sometimes I find myself crying. Not a bad kind of crying, but a ‘wow how wonderful my world is’ kind of cry. It’s so overwhelming becoming a mother, because suddenly someone relies on you in a way no other person has before. But then sometimes I cry in a bad way. Just because the overwhelming feeling as got too big for me to cope with. I feel all kinds of pressure to be a good mum, a good partner and a good person. They can be pretty crazy goals to live up to.
I spend every day cleaning bottles, changing nappies, putting loads of washing in, hanging washing on the line, emptying the dishwasher, reloading the dishwasher, running around frantically as it starts to rain and my washing is hung out, cleaning up toys, making the bed, changing more nappies. The list is pretty endless to be honest. I sometimes look at myself in the mirror and can’t remember the last time I had a shower because well, there just isn’t time. This whole nap when he naps malarkey is all well and good in theory, but in practise it never works smoothly.
I sometimes feel guilty for taking a shower or making myself a cuppa. Thinking to myself, ‘have I paid him enough attention today?’ ‘Is the kitchen tidy enough?’ ‘I should really do some more washing’ – yey for mum guilt!
I can’t remember the last time I had a normal conversation with someone. Talking that didn’t involve talking about night feeds or routines, or even those delightful poo explosions. It’s crazy ho quickly your life becomes revolved around these things. I can’t recall the last time I put on some nice clothes and enjoyed a nice meal and conversation that revolved around Chris and I, rather than solely Archie.
But despite all of this, I am happier than ever. I’ve quickly realised what they mean when they say enjoy them while they’re young. These days, weeks and months are disappearing right under my nose and I’m worried for the day that I’m sat on the sofa wishing I had my baby boy in my arms again. Wishing that Chris and I were laughing over a poo explosion and battling about who’s turn it was to deal with it.
With all its ups and downs and all the craziness, I’m never bored. I’m always doing something which is more than I can say for my life previously. I love that even when I feel overwhelmed by it all, all it takes is one little smile and everything seems so much better. I love the person I’m becoming, because he’s showing me how worth it I am. That despite all of my flaws, I’m still perfect in is eyes.
Nothing has made me happier than watching this little boy grow. I can’t wait to see the wonderful man he becomes and to have him teach me so much more about life.
This crazy world called motherhood – yep, it’s my favourite.