Wow, one whole year of you. Your love, your giggles, your smile and your warmth. You have completed me darling boy.
As I write this, we’re enjoying our usual morning routine… watching some funny cartoon (that we’ve no doubt watched for 3759582796 time), eating breakfast and you desperately trying to type away like mammy on her laptop. These are the moments I dreamt of a year ago. These are the moments that I hope I never lose sight of. The moments we can both look on with fondness in our hearts, even though you won’t remember for yourself.
You will never realise how much light you have brought to my very dark world. You are everything I could have ever wished for, hoped for and longed for in a son. There are times I didn’t know if I’d make it this far. Not to be over dramatic but becoming a mother is the single most scary thing I’ve ever had to do. All I have ever hoped for is to be the best mother to you, and I really hope that one day I will hear those words from you.
This year has been filled with so much emotion. You have made me laugh, cry, worry, stress, smile, but most importantly you’ve made me love like never before. Nothing prepared me for this. There’s no handbook for the real parenthood. There’s no advice on every minute of a baby’s first year, so this has been pretty tough.
It’s not been an easy journey, even right from the start, and you’re probably sick of me telling you this by now (when you’re 18 and totally embarrassed by your mam) but hopefully you’ll be a dad someday and I want you to know that it’s ok if you find things tough or if your wife, girlfriend, boyfriend or whatever finds it tough too.
When you were taken away from me those first few days of your life I was so scared. I was a 22-year-old first time mother who had just experienced the most traumatic moments of her life in the space of only a few hours. Not knowing where you were, how you were or whether this whole thing had been a horrible nightmare was tough, like really tough. All I wanted was to hold you and share those amazing first moments with my beautiful newborn but you weren’t there to cuddle.
I wish I had that perfect first picture of us. I wish I could look back on your birth and smile, but all I see is the pain that we were both in. I remember the moment your daddy came back with a picture of you, and that tiny little plaster on your face made my heart swell up in agony. I just wanted you to be ok and here with me.
Bringing you home was the best feeling in the world. Knowing you were strong, healthy and all ours. I got to love you and hold you and not be an inch away from you if I didn’t want to be.
I have loved getting to know you, watching you grow and being your mam. Discovering what makes you giggle uncontrollably, what soothes you when you’re upset and watching your personality grow. You’re the most kind-hearted, wild-spirited and beautiful little boy. You have the biggest and best appetite I’ve ever known (bar my own) and you’re definitely the messiest eater on the planet.
Your daddy and I joke you’re going to be a scientist when you grow up because you love to learn, to explore and discover lots of new things. You’re an animal lover at heart and always smile when Winston is around even if he tries to push you down sometimes.
You’re fearless and have no problem throwing yourself off of things, which of course has given us a fright on more than one occasion. You are such your daddy’s son. You take life as it comes, you don’t worry about things. You just get on with it and I really hope you continue to hold onto his confidence as you grow.
I never expected to have a son. A boy. A little man. I always dreamed of pretty frilly dresses, playing dress up with princess dolls but you have taught me so much about life. That it’s ok to not wear coordinating clothes and to play around in the mud. That life is very much for the living not the perfect I have strived so hard for in the past.
I’ll be honest, there’s days I feel like I can’t cope. There’s days I want to run away and hide because I’m so scared of failing as your mother. I’m a perfectionist and knowing I don’t have all of the control when it comes to how you are scares the living daylights out of me. There’s days you will scream uncontrollably and I have no idea how to settle you. But then there will be days I can’t shut you up with your constant chitter chatter.
Watching you grow is so bittersweet. Part of me can’t wait for all that is to come. All the adventures we’ll have as a family, you, me and daddy, oh and of course Winston too. Watching you talk and run, and play games and make proper friends. But then the other half of me wishes I could turn back time. Maybe handle the birth easier. Not get myself so down and enjoy those first moments more. Asked for more help so I could laugh with you more. Hold you as a tiny baby once more as I’m so scared that I’ll never have that newborn feeling again.
Thank you for the most beautiful, rewarding and wonderful year of my life. You’ve taught me everything about true love.
Love mammy x